Self-confidence is a funny thing. Some people seem to have so much of it; in many cases, rather too much, I suspect. Most people seem to have at least some; it's part of being a person.
I never really seem to have had any. In every facet of my life, I constantly sub-consciously assume that I'm not good enough, or that I'm fucking up, or whatever, even if it is empirically not the case. I have this with work, with my social life, with everything, really. It's particularly nasty socially; I always worry that I'm annoying people and that I'm imposing by being around them, for example. I can't even conceive of, say, holding and asking people to a party; the very idea terrifies me. And of course it plays havoc on my love-life, or lack thereof.
The worst of it is that I can, in many cases, even at the same time as I'm feeling this stuff, know that it's irrational, that it's stupid, that if only I could ignore it things would be better. And yet, this does me no good; I can't ignore it, even when I know it's ridiculous.
I suspect that self-confidence, even unwarranted self-confidence, is a major factor in being successful in life. And it seems to be an innate thing; either you have it or you don't. It doesn't seem to be based hugely on experience, as such, and, if not immutable, is at least very, very difficult to change.
It's a pity that no-one has come up with a lifestyle drug, in the same category as, say, Viagra or that anti-hair-loss thing, to deal with this. They'd make billions. A lot of people say that alcohol helps them, but I suspect that it actually helps them overcome their inhibitions, which seems to be a slightly different thing. I know, at any rate, that alcohol does not help me; if I drink a lot, it actually gets worse. I actually wonder is the problem I have with this that common; it certainly doesn't seem to be and a lot of people don't seem to get it conceptually at all.
Anyway, just felt like writing a bit about this...
And I suppose one consequence of this is that if someone praises you you think they're being patronising (in the way one calls a child's fridge-door daub wonderful) or sarcastic; if someone listens to you, you think it's mere social politeness and they're looking for the moment to get away; if someone fancies you, you think there's something wrong with them (too needy, desperate) or they're joking. That's how I sometimes feel, and I'm guessing - no, carefully inferring - it's the same syndrome.
ReplyDeleteI suppose, too, that this is what the self-esteem movement is trying to overcome when it bids teachers not correct children's spelling and grammar.
Cheers,
Paul Brownsey