(As previously mentioned, we're not allowed real news anymore because it is all far too depressing and recession-y. The BBC has resorted to reporting on tedious non-news)
A Spanish town is cancelling its bullfight, due to the recession. Presumably they will have a bear fight, instead.
Some students in New Zealand threw eggs at people. Presumably, in light of the recession, this will shortly attract the death penalty under rationing laws.
Some Australians participated in a ritual toad-killing:
"This is an example of how the war against cane toads can be won," said Mr Knuth, who hopes to take Toad Day Out nationwide.
Australia, once involved in wars against actual people, is now reduced to killing toads (humanely) and calling it a war, because of the recession. Also:
The majority of toads will be turned into fertiliser or donated to the science department of James Cook University.
Also, they now find themselves having to make fertiliser out of toads, presumably because real non-poisonous-amphibian-based fertiliser is a luxury for people who aren't in recessions.
The phrase "the supreme importance of custard cremes" is on the front page, presumably because custard cremes are relatively cheap biscuits, and thus suitable for the recession. At least until the custard wells run dry.
A BBC reporter talked to the imaginary Russian president (the one who is not Putin; Dmitry Medvedev) about nothing in particular. This is because Putin, who is now prime minister or emperor for life or something, is now an unjustifiable luxury, due to the recession. As is any politician with the correct number of vowels in his name. They'll talk to creepy Bond-villain-esqe Putin again when the GDP starts rising.
From Wales! "Cab dispute threatens golf event". I don't know what it means, but it actually sounds quite exciting, for Wales. Carry on.
A space shuttle landed. Miraculously, it did not fall apart while doing to, despite the recession. Also, it contained the person who invented Hungarian notation.
Madonna is adopting another baby from a random third-world country, presumably because social services in proper countries won't let her have one. This baby's price-tag will be lower than the last one, due to the recession.
Apparently, "Science has been changed to have greater appeal for teenagers". This is because cheap cider and pornography is cheaper than the large hadron collider.
David Cameron droned some nonsense about 'family values' at the Welsh Conservatives conference. Welsh Conservatives! I assume they object to all these new varieties of sheep, and erosion of hills. (Actually, it's pretty funny; he seems to object to police having to follow rules rather than just being able to do whatever they feel like.) Fortunately, there will be no new sheep this year, due to the recession.