Fancy some pseudo-chicken?
Our fully cooked Classic Brand SmartServe glazed chicken breast fillets have the appearance, taste and texture of a whole chicken breast at a much lower cost, plus they offer better portion control, consistent quality and easy preparation.Erm... Okay. Back away slowly. Popular with chain restaurants and such, apparently. Glazed flavoring! Vacuum marinated for best flavour! The chipboard of chicken. Perhaps mercifully, there is no photo of the stuff raw. Assuming you have to cook it, of course.
Boneless, skinless, 100% chicken breast pieces shaped into natural breast fillets. Glazed flavoring.
Unique 3-D technology gives you the look and texture of a solid muscle chicken breast, at a fraction of the cost.
Ready-to-cook whole muscle. Mmm, mystery muscle! Unmatched value and excellent bite, we're told.
Pre-cooked fajitas. What does a restaurant need a kitchen for, anyway? A microwave should suffice.
And, now that you get all your raw material from them same place, complete with scary non-chicken, why not just get your restaurant's meals ready-made, to save you all that cooking stuff? Sysco can help.
It's not even all down-market crap; they've got your caviar needs covered. Scallops wrapped in pre-cooked bacon! Pre-cooked! Processed in a USDA-inspected facility! Oh, good, as opposed to one of those illegal ones. Please note that the scary pseudo-chicken makes no such lofty claims.
Let's have a look at some of the more egregious offences against food, yep? It'll be fun, I promise.
School Choice. This, it seems, means 'pre-fryed breaded apple sticks'. It's almost like it's trying to be healthy, then falling down at the whole pre-fryed breaded thing.
Vegetable appetizers. More or less at random, looks like. Luck of the draw. Just pray you don't get the deep-fried cheese-covered broccoli.
Fresh pate. Semi-cooked. Of unclear origin.
Imperial European Cake. Frozen. Pre-cut. Thaw and serve. That's cake. I kid you not.
Optimum Choice Fruit Pie. 'Optimum' is ominous here, one feels. Sweetened with SYSCO brand 'Indulge', whatever that is.
House Recipe Ketchup. For back of the house use. Good base for sauces. Now, I'm sorry, but ketchup is never a good base for sauces. In fact, ketchup isn't good for anything. Has the consistency of a 'fancy' product at a lower cost. Yay!
Aerosol Topping. Lasts 180 days. Aerosol-y.
Pizza loaf cheese. Argh!
Frozen diced eggs. I have honestly no idea what one would do with one of these. Lasts six months, though!
Economy grade swiss cheese. Often the texture is dry and grainy with off flavors.
Pre-made scrambled eggs. Mercifully, in a carton; not defrostable.
Boxed beef. It's beef in a box.
Scary green alien things, alleged to be 'wraps'. And horrid green-oozing chicken.
Chicken Kiev. Lasts forever. Can stop a bullet. May be edible. Please note that on the ingredients list, besides chicken, there is 'roast chicken' way down after yeast. Homeopathic, perhaps?
Roast beef, chunked and formed. Uniform dimensions! Old World Taste! (Eh?)
Pub burger. Pre-cooked. Great for improved yields!
Canned Entrees. Not going there. Don't want to know.
Generic fish. Doesn't taste of anything. Lock in that farm raised freshness.
Veal Mini Rack. "With SYSCO Classic Veal Mini Rack, the sophistication of veal meets the presentation of a rack." I'm not making that up, by the way; it really says it. Great plate coverage.
Import Style Hams. Old World Shape. European Flavor. "Mmm, tastes of Warsaw!" Comes in a can. Note the attractive product photo, with bricks:
Fake olive oil. Oh, joy.
Okay, that's enough of that. Just remember, these people provide this crap to most of the restaurants in the US. Probably, someone does the same here. Note the enthusiastic product blurbs. You get the idea that this is the sort of company where employees sing team-building songs as they gleefully destroy human society. All of this scares the hell out of me. Especially the cheerfulness; they should look more evil, damnit.
Oh, and take a look at their product marketing reports. Beans, paper and inflation. No idea what it means, but I don't like the sound of it.