And now, to condoms

We return from the icky, complain-y world of David Quinn to the the more salubrious land of condoms.

It occurred to me, while going on about Tesco's range of prophylactics a while back, that, while Tesco had extra large condoms (like all their condoms, in special perspex boxes to prevent escape, which one must ask staff to open), it lacked condoms for those who were at the back of the queue when the naughty bits were handed out. However, if I were to mention this, I would have to be careful to avoid that most henious of all crimes, libelling a supermarket, by implying that they discriminated against the smaller gent.

So, I went forth to their website, and looked at their range. Immediately, a problem occurred. Unlike the clothing and footwear industries, which merely use numbers that vary widely by region and brand, the condom industry uses nonsense worlds, like FeatherLight, LeadHeavy, HyperVole, and so forth. So I needed a lookup chart. Lookup chart found, it occurred to me that none of the jokes I was considering were very funny, and that I should probably scrap the whole thing. This continues to be the case; I think it would be in very poor taste to make jokes about horses.

There was something slightly amusing on the chart, however; a group called TheyFit, the Condom Experts. Again, though, I'd dropped the whole thing, so didn't mention it. The day the post went up, I got an email from someone proporting to be the founder (or, as he signed it, Founder & Condom Revolutionary) of this company, suggesting I write about it. Apparently, this blog is now a world authority on condoms, or something.

 

So, yes, why not. TheyFit is a company which makes 95 (yes, 95) different sizes of condom. These range in length from 8cm to 24cm (goodness), and come in plain packaging from SNGCORP. They use coded sizes in the form B11, which they claim is for privacy (in case anyone found out that greatest of secrets, what custom condom size one uses), but which is, of course, because they couldn't be bothered to make up 95 wonderful condom names like HyperVole.

And, my word, is this creepy:

 

Premier supplier of girls. Eek!

So, yes, if you spend a lot of time dashing desperately around the condom section at Boots, foaming at the mouth, ripping the packages open and applying the Vernier Callipers, until removed by store security, then this might be for you. Otherwise, well, possibly not.

A Whine at Bedtime with David Quinn

TREMBLE WITH FEAR, MORTALS. David Quinn, King-Emperor of Complaining, Harrier of the Homos, Defender of the Dickheads, [The Iona guy. Yes, those people.] will now address you via the medium of Tweet:

This is of course in reference to the terrible, naughty European courts saying that it was okay to discipline or fire people if they refuse to do their job, even if they refuse to do so due to the presence of ICKY HOMOSEXUALS. They might have to civil-partner them, even! Imagine being a registrar and having to civil-partner people, like in the job description!

Similarly, of course, we don't see many Muslim or Jewish pork butchers; I trust that Iona will be immediately campaigning for the banning of pigs. I myself do not care for PHP, loathing it probably almost as much as Quinn's little band of bigots hate filthy gays such as myself; well, what if I want to work for Facebook? Iona, you know what to do. And when will Iona speak out on the very real issue of boring things, which thousands of people daily are forced to do as part of their work? I am glad that Iona is defending our constitutional right to get paid for not doing our jobs because we don't feel like it.

For that matter, I'm not sure how much I care for Iona, and yet if I were to become a postal worker, I would presumably have to deliver letters to their door, risking catching communicable stupidity from the letterbox. Iona, when will you campaign for the abolition of yourselves, and all other things that anyone, anywhere, happens to dislike?

Don't let the door hit you on your way out

I'll quit as minister if abortion laws go too far, says Lucinda

Promise?

Seriously, though, I'm puzzled as to who this warning is for.

Perhaps it's to let Enda know that if he doesn't play ball, he'll face the arduous task of replacing such a key figure?

Or possibly it's a warning to us the voters. After all, where would we be without Lucinda Creighton to make thoughtless and offensive remarks about gay marriage and suicide and such?

Well, Lucinda, don't worry too much on our behalf. I'm sure that, if all goes to all, we can get John Waters to do a bit of overtime.

Important update on Tesco Value Condoms!

Okay, so it turns out that Tesco actually do have own brand condoms. Now, they're not in the value range, for which small mercy we must be thankful, but then again they're not in the 'Finest' range either:

'Sequre'? Really? Oh, well, every little helps.

They also have this delightful item:

I can only assume that they're to be used for the celebration of the Queen's Diamond Jubilee.

Also:

Mmm, green-flavoured.

Further adventures in over the counter pharmaceuticals

So it looks like, based on this and my last post, that I'm taking this blog less in the direction of computers, politics and complaining, and more in the direction of reviews of non-perscription medication. Given the small field, this limits me to about ten more posts, or possibly a few more if I lower myself to esoterica like Panadol for Women (this really exists) or homeopathic cat worming tablets.

Anyway, I bought some paracetamol in Tesco on Fleet Street. Now, this is a good place to buy paracetamol, as they do not enclose it in a perspex box, as some other Tescos do; this is to help avoid breaking the law by selling more than one packet, as if people want to attempt suicide with paracetamol, the government feels that they should at least be required to visit many supermarkets to do it, presumably to encourage them.

Oddly, they do trap the condoms in a perspex box, it seems. I suppose this is a theft-prevention measure, as opposed to an attempt to stop people having too much sex, but really, condoms aren't particularly high-value items compared to some things they do have boxless. Also makes the procedure of buying condoms extra-embarassing, I assume. Wine bottles (but not beer bottles) also have security tags, though the cartons of delicious Tesco Value Wine:

 

do not, presumably because when they attempted to staple the security tag on, they just got cheap wine-like liquid substitute all over the floor.

Back to the point! When I got to the automatic checkout machine, with its frightening uncanny valley voice, it decided that the packet of twelve paracetamol packets was a "bulky item" and that I should put it directly in my trolley. Not having a trolley, I foolishly put it in the output area, which enraged the machine, requiring human intervention. Still, could have been worse; could have been a packet of condoms. Or, even worse, Tesco Value Condoms.

Best pharmaceutical product ever

Ibuprofen and pseudoephedrine in one tablet. I mean, what more could you want?

They are a rather unappealing yellow colour, however.

A perennial iOS annoyance

This has been irritating me since I first used iOS five years ago. When you hit the power button to lock the device, the device locks… and about a second later makes a click sound. Unlock the device again, and the unlocking sound fires instantly (note that this was not the case until iOS 5 or so). Lock again, and the lock sound fires instantly. But leave it unlocked for a while and you're back to the one-second delay. This is the case on at least the iPhone 4 and iPad 3, and while I haven't used either yet, I'd bet it will be the same on the iPhone 5 and iPad 4.

I assume what's going on here is that the 'lock' sound has to be loaded into memory, and gets bumped out after a while. The user can hit the switch at any time, so there's no useful hint as to when it's about to be triggered. The unlock sound, meanwhile, can be reasonably loaded when the user views the lock screen (but, again, this wasn't done until iOS 5).

So, there's a reasonable explanation, and you can sort of see why it is the way it is, but really it is most un-Apple. I'd almost think they should sacrifice a few tens of KB of memory to have the lock sound permanently resident.

Oddly persistent SEO scam spam

"Search Engine Optimization" is a weird field. On the one hand, it can involve improving sites which are actively inimical to search engines. On the other, more common, one, however, it is essentially the art of lying to search engines.

Of course, search engines, which hold themselves in rather high regard, resent being lied to, so tend to adapt to ignore these tactics. One which was popular a few years back was inserting links to one's site wherever, whether through comment spam, buying links, or more interesting tactics. Apparently, it still happens a bit.

In 2006, I wrote a post about AJAX, which was very much the thing at the time. In it, I mentioned, and linked to, Apple Safari. Apple, in common with many large companies, likes to randomly re-arrange its website every few months, so the link is now broken.

A month ago, I received an email notifying me of this dead link, and recommending I link to a page on a website called learnstuff.com. I, of course, ignored this, it being a form of SEO scam, albeit a pleasingly retro one.

And then, a few weeks later, I got a followup. So, this is interesting.

A search for the text of the first spam gets me 516 results. The second, 729 results (some people seem to have gotten a variant of the first as their initial contact). The third, which arrived today? A mere 7 results. I'm oddly excited to see whether I'll be one of the lucky few favoured with a fourth.
I really have to wonder, though, at this point why bother? Search engines are surely good at detecting this naughtiness by now?

The mail relay being used is also interesting. It's smtp.com!



"But now I do so with confidence!"



By avoiding those cheap, low-end Star Trek transporters which leave one's face slightly out of phase.



"Everyone must know the truth about Safari. Everyone."

Funny goings-on at the New York Times

David Pogue reviews the Samsung Galaxy Player 4.2, an iPod Touch rival.

I originally went to this article as it was linked as a particularly blatant example of an "unbiased" (in the sense of "unbiased" meaning "praising an inferior product so as to avoid offending the company's fans") review. Myself, I don't see this; it reads as a parody of said genre. In particular:

The Player is not as light or as thin (0.35 inches thick instead of 0.28), but the slight thickening makes possible a removable back panel. Inside are two things the Touch doesn’t offer: a removable battery and a memory-card slot.
You’ll probably need to buy a memory card, in fact, since the Player comes with only about four gigabytes of free memory for your files. But the point is: the capacity of your Player is up to you. Choice is good, right?

But, note the title:

Now, here's the same article, from a Google search:

And the URL: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/31/technology/personaltech/galaxy-player-4-2-by-samsung-aims-at-ipod-touch-and-falls-just-short.html

I don't think this is an example of nefarious censorship of an uncomplimentary review title; rather I think it's to fit with the article; the original title clashed a bit with the sarcastic tone.

Unpleasant surprises

Every few months, a Progress robotic spacecraft (it's basically an automatic Soyuz without the living space or re-entry module) visits the ISS, with supplies.

It occurs to me that it would be hilarious if the occupants opened it up... to find an enraged, floating cat. But then I realised my mistake.

An owl would be far better.

I expect NASA and Roscosmos to give me 10% of the revenue from the hit reality TV show which results from this.