We return from the icky, complain-y world of David Quinn to the the more salubrious land of condoms.
It occurred to me, while going on about Tesco's range of prophylactics a while back, that, while Tesco had extra large condoms (like all their condoms, in special perspex boxes to prevent escape, which one must ask staff to open), it lacked condoms for those who were at the back of the queue when the naughty bits were handed out. However, if I were to mention this, I would have to be careful to avoid that most henious of all crimes, libelling a supermarket, by implying that they discriminated against the smaller gent.
So, I went forth to their website, and looked at their range. Immediately, a problem occurred. Unlike the clothing and footwear industries, which merely use numbers that vary widely by region and brand, the condom industry uses nonsense worlds, like FeatherLight, LeadHeavy, HyperVole, and so forth. So I needed a lookup chart. Lookup chart found, it occurred to me that none of the jokes I was considering were very funny, and that I should probably scrap the whole thing. This continues to be the case; I think it would be in very poor taste to make jokes about horses.
There was something slightly amusing on the chart, however; a group called TheyFit, the Condom Experts. Again, though, I'd dropped the whole thing, so didn't mention it. The day the post went up, I got an email from someone proporting to be the founder (or, as he signed it, Founder & Condom Revolutionary) of this company, suggesting I write about it. Apparently, this blog is now a world authority on condoms, or something.
So, yes, why not. TheyFit is a company which makes 95 (yes, 95) different sizes of condom. These range in length from 8cm to 24cm (goodness), and come in plain packaging from SNGCORP. They use coded sizes in the form B11, which they claim is for privacy (in case anyone found out that greatest of secrets, what custom condom size one uses), but which is, of course, because they couldn't be bothered to make up 95 wonderful condom names like HyperVole.
And, my word, is this creepy:
Premier supplier of girls. Eek!
So, yes, if you spend a lot of time dashing desperately around the condom section at Boots, foaming at the mouth, ripping the packages open and applying the Vernier Callipers, until removed by store security, then this might be for you. Otherwise, well, possibly not.